A Little About Fear, and Courage

If you want to conquer fear, do not sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

Funny thing about fear…

I've had some interesting conversations over the past 18 months about how my life has changed. Most people seem to be impressed and/or inspired by what I've done. Which is funny, because in the doing of it I felt none of what they seem to see, until I reached the place I am now. What I mostly felt is nearly debilitating fear and overwhelming anxiety.

Up until February 2019, I had never gone anywhere completely alone. Yes, I’d lived alone in my own apartment, but it was in my home town and just minutes from my parents, family, and friends. Yes, I’ve gone on plenty of road trips on my own, but there were always friends waiting on the other side. After being divorced at the end of 2018, I left Virginia in February 2019 with my best friend from high school and drove to New Mexico, to a place I’d been only once, in an area where I did not know a soul. A week later, she flew home, and I was here with just my dog (and thank goodness, my cell phone! haha).

I’ve realized I’m probably not all that unusual in my aversion to change, and how for so long I’d given fear permission to be the guiding force in my life. I was afraid of so many things: going places where I know no one, traveling by myself, going to restaurants or movies by myself, talking to people I don’t know, an unknown future, financial instability, anything outside my comfort zone, change. Good grief, have I hated change - to the point that I’ve stayed in jobs and probably even relationships for far longer than I should have because they were known and comfortable.

And I looked at all of that, and said, too bad; I’m doing it anyway; I’m going to see what life can be on the other side of fear. And I was terrified the entire time.

I’ll be honest, the last year was incredibly difficult, and most days I felt like I was stuck in this dark, murky quagmire - wanting to move forward, but unable to. I had my first anniversary of arriving in New Mexico on February 13, and reaching that date was so liberating! It felt, quite literally, liked I’d walked from a dark, stagnant, suffocating room into a light-filled one, leaving all (or most) of the darkness behind. All of a sudden I felt free, and open to possibility.

Now I’m doing another scary thing - putting my artwork out into the world, to be not only an artist, but a successful artist; to support myself with my art. I was a yarn dyer for nearly two decades, but that never felt as vulnerable as what I’m doing now. This has been so close to my heart, such a big part of how I have always defined myself. It feels scary and vulnerable and risky, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned (especially in the last two years), it’s that one’s comfort zone may be comfortable but it’s not where growth, and potential, and dreams-coming-true reside.

What I’ve learned: I know now the fear will never go away, at least not for me. But I also know now that it’s up to me whether I let it stop me; whether I let fear be the thing holding the steering wheel. I’m learning to embrace this part of me, but not let it control me, who I am, or what my life becomes. I think going out and getting busy doesn’t mean conquering fear, at least not for me. It means no longer allowing it to be the controlling emotion in my life. It means saying, “Yeah, I’m scared. But I’m going to do it anyway” - to whatever causes me to feel afraid, or uncomfortable, or insecure.

Embrace it, and move on! This is my {new} life lesson - whatever it is you want, dream, desire - don’t let fear decide whether you go for it or not, because fear will always choose the direction that’s the most comfortable, safe, secure. And that’s the one that will nearly always ensure you stay exactly where you are. Time will tell if I reach my dream, but I’ll be here, working hard, staying open, putting my heart and soul out there. I’m guaranteed to fail if I don’t try. And hopefully, my attempts out in public, in the sometimes harsh light of life, will inspire others to go for their dreams, to make that scary change and take that terrifying jump, as well.

Have a good story from your own life experience? I’d love to hear it! Leave me a comment, or send me an email xox

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something is more important than fear. - Franklin D. Roosevelt